Paideia Interruptus

In 1993 I set my sights on getting an Associate's degree, took care of that business and walked away with a degree in Photography.  In my mind it was a foregone conclusion I would decide what university to attend, take care of that business, and walk away with a Bachelor's degree.  I had two brief layovers studying abroad in Europe much to the eternal enrichment of my life. Wanted to go to Europe to study abroad and make the credits really count.  Ta-da...goodbye photography major and hello European Studies major.  It was a slick switcheroo in my mind. Sadly, a life changing illness derailed all of those glorious plans.  

My formal education quite abruptly ended in the Spring of 2000 with most of my life and self as I knew them.  It burns something inside when you have a long-term expectation that seems to die a sudden and painful death.  I would need to enter the work-force to pay for medical bills and get some kind of health coverage.  Luckily I got a great job with a well respected company that provided me with decent pay and phenomenal health insurance.

I went about my life trying to navigate it with these bizarre new limitations in my health and well-being.  It certainly has not been easy, was often times dark, but that is a different story for a different day.  When I made my way home in 2005 to the literally and figuratively greener pastures of rural Maryland I found a new support network with my family close by.  It has helped me tremendously.  In the last eight years I have carved out a wonderful career for myself at the local hospital in my chosen field, that as an administrative assistant.  With multiple stabilizing forces my life changed and what once was elusive became more obtainable.  

Really that unfinished degree with so many credits sitting there unused was like a tick in the back of my brain.  It never went away and it surfaced to bother me at different and unexpected intervals.

New educational systems have emerged since my days at university.  Amazing, sometimes almost futuristic and alien, educational systems that allow people like myself who live in an outlying more rural location and who work a full-time job to access collegiate education.  It was last summer and my 40th birthday was fast approaching.  I was planning the big cruise trip and that was exciting, but a flyer in the mail at work, then an email advertisement in my personal email on the same day seemed like a possible cosmic sign.

I explored the University of Maryland University College website and their degree programs.  I saw what was available and what might allow me to transfer the majority of my credits over and work towards a degree.  Luckily they have a generic Humanities degree that fit for me.  I was accepted and enrolled for class in less than two weeks.

I returned to college in August 2013. I took library science and student success classes that not only reminded me of things I had learned in the way distant past (13 years earlier) I was able to acquaint myself with the new online learning environment.  It was amazing to learn about the online library. I've decided to go to school "year round".  That means 6 classes per year spread out between late January and early December with one month breaks between the semesters. It will help keep me in practice instead of getting lazy and out of practice over the Summer.

A lot of people have asked why I am going back to school for a humanities degree.  Am I doing it to further my career or change careers?  No.  Am I doing it for a raise?  No.  I'm doing it because that dreamed died, my expectations were shattered, and I was left feeling a bit like a failure.  Now, I can say that I had the courage to go back and make it happen.  I can resurrect and fix and succeed when for the longest time I had felt powerless.  I have more respect for myself.  The classes are energizing to my brain.  I am thinking critically, interacting collegiately, completing challenging tasks, and it is excellent.  Knowledge has intrinsic value.  I'm glad it isn't interrupted anymore.

Things Happen, Personal Choice and God Blaming

I’m a believer in instinct.  I believe that God can guide us down certain paths if we allow it.  I believe that sometimes things happen for a reason, while other times they just happen.  I have a very deep frustration (sometimes anger) when people like to lay blame at the feet of God.  It’s an easy way out or an excuse.  It’s a way to focus anger or blame externally.  God isn't to blame for our problems, losses, sicknesses, death, war, or any other thing people like to blame Him for. 

This has do with my belief in the gift of choice or what can be called “free agency.”  God allows us this freedom to make our own choices.  Using the concept that God is all powerful then it was possible that He could have allowed us to come into this life with no choice whatsoever, forcing our obedience and taking our will and choice away.  Instead, God gifted us with choice.

When I taught children Sunday school at church I wanted them to be clear about this. I've always said that things happen for three reasons.

1.       We make a choice and we must live with the consequences.  We get to choose our choices, but we do not get to choose the consequences.  An example would be if a person decided to drink alcohol then drive their car.  If they get into a car accident, God didn't cause it, the person making the decision to drink and drive caused it.  

2.       Someone else makes a choice and we must live with the consequences.  That person gets to choose their choice, but we too have to live with the consequences.  An example would be if a person decided to drink alcohol then drive their car.  If they caused a car accident where we got hurt, God didn't cause it, the person making the decision to drink and drive caused it.  This is where a lot of ‘God blamers' get caught.  They don’t want God to take their personal choices away, but they think that He should have taken personal choice away from the person who made a bad choice.  Sorry, it doesn't work that way.  We all get to choose, even those who make terribly bad choices and we all have to live with the consequences.  Our world being the place that it is today has to do with more and more people making unwise choices. God isn't making it this way, we are using His gift of choice to make it this way. 

3.       We live in a “fallen” world.  That term throws people off, but use it in the context that the Garden of Eden world was perfect without problems, pain or death etc.  Once Adam and Eve “fell” then our world became fallen with them.  In a more scientific way of saying it, our world is natural and is subject to the laws of nature and time.  We cannot avoid the laws of nature or time.  The Earth has winds, rains, oceans, mountains, land and many other natural things.  God is not to blame for an earthquake, an avalanche, a tornado, hurricane or any other natural event.  The price of living in a world subject to nature is our being subject to nature.  Bodies in nature are exposed to the laws of nature as well.  We age and our bodies change due to their environs.  Our cells divide, our cells stop dividing, and our cells are attacked by viruses or cancers.  All are natural, if not horrible, processes.

The last belief I have is more of a relational aspect.  I believe that God knows what is going to happen and He can help us with what we are going to face.  It may sound odd, but God will take the opportunity to help us, teach us, or even test us.  While not the root cause He can and will make use of the existing opportunity.  I’m going to use a very personal experience as an example. 

I was given counsel by a wise man of faith that I had a great deal of respect for when I was 18.  He told me that God had given me the blessing of a strong intellect and a keen mind.  He said that God gave me those gifts so that I had them when I had to face the trials of my life and find my way through them. When I was 27 I fell apart and attempted suicide.  I didn't know that I had bipolar disorder.  After my suicide attempt I was properly diagnosed and started treatment.  In the last 14 years I have been blessed to use that strong intellect and keen mind to help me cope and deal with this situation.  God didn't give me bipolar.  I think it was a combination of DNA and a painfully stressful childhood environment.  However, God blessed me before the bipolar manifested with tools I could use to help me in my struggle.  Many patients with bipolar live broken lives where they are unable to keep jobs, function in society, or have healthy relationships.  I knew from day one what I wanted to do and what I had to do.  I knew that I had to be my own advocate. They call me high functioning bipolar.  I have and keep a job, I function in society, enjoy my life, and have healthy relationships. 

People faced with so many difficult situations in this life struggle.  I struggled.  I just want it on record that we need to be awful careful when we attempt to assign blame to God for that which He is not responsible.