Paul returned home from the hospital unexpectedly yesterday!!
When I made my planned call to him expecting that he would still be in the hospital - he excitedly told me that he had just arrived home!! After the images from his MRI came back the doctor reported to him that his most worrisome and frightening condition had cleared up and that "some things just can't be explained." That condition could have affected the rest of our lives permanently. It would have adversely affected his quality of life. After the results of the MRI came back they removed some of the tubing and his body began working on its own. The relief of this is almost unexplainable. This illness and helping Paul cope with it was weighing on me heavily. He was completely overwhelmed. In shock almost.
He sounded like a man who got his new lease on life. He was so excited I could feel it through the phone line!
We believe in miracles. We believe in the ability to bring on healing by Priesthood blessing if that outcome is the will of God. We believe in answers to prayers. This serves to strengthen our beliefs. We offer a debt of gratitude to anyone who offered a prayer on his behalf. Thank you for that selfless service. We will remember you in our prayers with gratitude and ask that you are blessed for your care and kindness. It is a view into your personal divinity.
THANK YOU!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Amazing Recovery
Why do "bad" things happen?
I feel very strongly that there are four distinct reasons why "bad" things happen. Some are natural and some are divine. Some are a little of both.
1. We make "bad" choices and have to live with the consequences. For example: A person drinks and drives and crashes their car into a telephone pole. They become paralyzed from the waist down and total the car. The accident is a consequence of your personal choice to drink and drive. There are natural laws about objects moving and meeting other objects with force etc...that this choice puts into motion and usually these natural laws cannot be broken.
2. Other people make "bad" choices and it affects our lives. For example: A person drinks and drives and crashes their car into your car. You become paralyzed from the waist down and it totals your car. The accident is a consequence of someone else's personal choice to drink and drive. There are natural laws about objects moving and meeting other objects with force etc...that this choice puts into motion and usually cannot these natural laws cannot be broken.
3. We live in a "fallen" world. A world where our bodies age, acquire illness, and die. It is a natural law. Human bodies are subject to natural laws. Our cells die and do not replace themselves. Our cells mutate and create cancer.
4. There are certain divine lessons to learn from this trial.
I don't think to act as God and determine which is which. A person may learn during their life the purpose of such things. People come to terms with things in their own reasons and in their own times. But this is something particularly important as I cope with my long term illness of bipolar. I believe my illness to be a mixture of genetics (natural law), environment during my formative years (psychological behavior), and for me to learn a small handful of divine lessons. Maybe God took the opportunity to teach me something knowing that this was part of my inevitability and part of the natural laws that would affect me. I don't believe that natural laws and divinity are separate and must be divorced from one another. I believe that God is the author of the natural laws. That they have a synergy. A human being is not just physicial and not just spiritual. What is physical is affected by the spiritual and what is spiritual is affected by the physical. That is why finding the balance is such a journey.
I am trying to remember these things as I cope with Paul's illness and its possible ramifications.
I feel very strongly that there are four distinct reasons why "bad" things happen. Some are natural and some are divine. Some are a little of both.
1. We make "bad" choices and have to live with the consequences. For example: A person drinks and drives and crashes their car into a telephone pole. They become paralyzed from the waist down and total the car. The accident is a consequence of your personal choice to drink and drive. There are natural laws about objects moving and meeting other objects with force etc...that this choice puts into motion and usually these natural laws cannot be broken.
2. Other people make "bad" choices and it affects our lives. For example: A person drinks and drives and crashes their car into your car. You become paralyzed from the waist down and it totals your car. The accident is a consequence of someone else's personal choice to drink and drive. There are natural laws about objects moving and meeting other objects with force etc...that this choice puts into motion and usually cannot these natural laws cannot be broken.
3. We live in a "fallen" world. A world where our bodies age, acquire illness, and die. It is a natural law. Human bodies are subject to natural laws. Our cells die and do not replace themselves. Our cells mutate and create cancer.
4. There are certain divine lessons to learn from this trial.
I don't think to act as God and determine which is which. A person may learn during their life the purpose of such things. People come to terms with things in their own reasons and in their own times. But this is something particularly important as I cope with my long term illness of bipolar. I believe my illness to be a mixture of genetics (natural law), environment during my formative years (psychological behavior), and for me to learn a small handful of divine lessons. Maybe God took the opportunity to teach me something knowing that this was part of my inevitability and part of the natural laws that would affect me. I don't believe that natural laws and divinity are separate and must be divorced from one another. I believe that God is the author of the natural laws. That they have a synergy. A human being is not just physicial and not just spiritual. What is physical is affected by the spiritual and what is spiritual is affected by the physical. That is why finding the balance is such a journey.
I am trying to remember these things as I cope with Paul's illness and its possible ramifications.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Ireland Postponed
Although I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year I have spent the holidays a little bummed out. My long awaited trip to Ireland has been postponed until early Spring, I fear. My fiance Paul has been getting increasingly sick until he was admitted to the hospital in Coleraine on December 26th. So many infections it is amazing he was alive. Infections in his lungs, kidneys, bladder, and prostate. The infection in his lungs and kidneys has cleared up well, but the rest is still being worked on as we speak. He is still in the hospital. There may be long term ramifications of all of this. We don't know all of it yet. He will need to get home from the hospital and start the rehabilitation process before we consider when I will actually go to Ireland. If you are so inclined, please offer some prayers for my honey. We need them in respect to his remaining illnesses.
On a positive note, the United States government approved our application for his Fiance Visa. Now he has to get well so that he can go for an interview and pick up the Visa. He will be free to come over here to get married. I don't know the time frame restrictions on the Visa, but I am certain that I will learn. As of right now we are looking at a late fall/early winter wedding.
I hope that you all had wonderful holidays and enjoyed time with your family and friends.
On a positive note, the United States government approved our application for his Fiance Visa. Now he has to get well so that he can go for an interview and pick up the Visa. He will be free to come over here to get married. I don't know the time frame restrictions on the Visa, but I am certain that I will learn. As of right now we are looking at a late fall/early winter wedding.
I hope that you all had wonderful holidays and enjoyed time with your family and friends.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Too Warm This Year - "Fall Canceled?"
Happy December all! Our unseasonable non-fall weather has ended. It only took until December. It is cold and raining and we in Maryland need it dramatically. There is a river that is gone. It is a brook or less; a dribble. It is startling. Anyone who follows our current presidency and their take on "global warming" is a moron. When I can see 95% of a riverbed that is more often 20-40 feet deep I am concerned.
It was almost 70 degrees on Thanksgiving in Washington D.C., well above normal. There is a great article in The Onion, the satirical newspaper, that ran the other day. For all of their satire I think that they may be frighteningly correct. “Fall Canceled after 3 Billion Seasons”: Fall, the long-running series of shorter days and cooler nights, was canceled earlier this week after nearly 3 billion seasons on Earth, sources reported Tuesday.
The classic period of the year, which once occupied a coveted slot between summer and winter, will be replaced by new, stifling humidity levels, near-constant sunshine and almost no precipitation for months.
'As much as we’d like to see it stay, fall will not be returning for another season,’ National Weather Service president John Hayes announced during a muggy press conference Nov. 6. ‘Fall had a great run, but sadly, times have changed.’ ... The cancellation was not without its share of warning signs. In recent years, fall had been reduced from three months to a meager two-week stint, and its scheduled start time had been pushed back later and later each year.”
It was almost 70 degrees on Thanksgiving in Washington D.C., well above normal. There is a great article in The Onion, the satirical newspaper, that ran the other day. For all of their satire I think that they may be frighteningly correct. “Fall Canceled after 3 Billion Seasons”: Fall, the long-running series of shorter days and cooler nights, was canceled earlier this week after nearly 3 billion seasons on Earth, sources reported Tuesday.
The classic period of the year, which once occupied a coveted slot between summer and winter, will be replaced by new, stifling humidity levels, near-constant sunshine and almost no precipitation for months.
'As much as we’d like to see it stay, fall will not be returning for another season,’ National Weather Service president John Hayes announced during a muggy press conference Nov. 6. ‘Fall had a great run, but sadly, times have changed.’ ... The cancellation was not without its share of warning signs. In recent years, fall had been reduced from three months to a meager two-week stint, and its scheduled start time had been pushed back later and later each year.”
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble
Happy Thanksgiving to all. I am grateful for many things. My family. A warm home to live in. A good job. Actually, two good jobs. Kind and wonderful friends. A faith that gives me so much inside including peace, a sense of wholeness, and the room to grow. A handsome, fun, and amazing man who I love and who loves me. A new passport. A plane ticket to Ireland on December 25th.
I recently was asked to teach the 11 year old kids Sunday School. We are going through the New Testament. I recently taught the young single adults and the situation is so different. I have 5 boys and 2 girls. The girls act like little adults and the boys like little boys. I taught my first class on the Stephen who became a martyr. It went a ton better than I thought.
I hope that all is good where you are.
Don't forget to keep in touch with me.
I recently was asked to teach the 11 year old kids Sunday School. We are going through the New Testament. I recently taught the young single adults and the situation is so different. I have 5 boys and 2 girls. The girls act like little adults and the boys like little boys. I taught my first class on the Stephen who became a martyr. It went a ton better than I thought.
I hope that all is good where you are.
Don't forget to keep in touch with me.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Just call me Darth Vader
I officially have obstructive sleep apnea. Apnea literally means "without breath" in Latin. So, sleep apnea is sleep without breath. It is a common disorder that can be serious. In sleep apnea, my breathing stops or gets very shallow. Each pause in breathing typically lasts 10 to 20 seconds or more. These pauses can occur 20 to 30 times or more an hour. I was diagnosed with moderate sleep apnea. I stop breathing 56 times an hour! It is a little unnerving to think that I was so sick and never knew it. Read on and see how dangerous it is. I had so many symptoms of sleep apnea and was relating them all to other conditions which I was seeking medical help for! A pill for this and a pill for that. Sorry, I am feeling a little irritated by whole American Health Care experience right now. Everything from being a hostage in my doctor's office while he/she runs an hour behind to paying disgustingly high insurance rates/co-pays for health/prescription coverage. But that is another blog for another day.
During sleep the muscles in the back of my throat relax. These muscles support the soft palate, the triangular piece of tissue hanging from the soft palate (uvula), tonsils and tongue. When my muscles relax, my airway narrows or closes as I breathe in, and breathing momentarily cuts off. This lowers the level of oxygen in my blood. My brain senses this inability to breath and briefly rouses me from my sleep so that I can reopen my airway. This awakening is usually so brief that I don't even remember it.
I awaken with a transient shortness of breath that corrects itself quickly, within one or two deep breaths, although this is rare. This pattern can repeat itself all night long. These disruptions impair my ability to reach those desired deep, restful phases of sleep, and I feel sleepy during my waking hours especially in the morning. I was not aware that my sleep was interrupted. In fact, thought that I slept well all night.
I cannot believe so many people have sleep apnea. Doctors estimate that more than 12 million Americans have sleep apnea. It hits mostly men, people who are overweight, or over 40 years old, but it can affect anyone at any age. It is really hard to realize if you have it. Or, it was for me. Even though I don't remember waking up during the night, I fight serious morning sleepiness, irritability, and fatigue. I experience morning headaches which I characterized as migraines and went to my general physician for migraine medicine.
My doctor referred me to a sleep disorder center. In the hospital where I work we have a lovely new Sleep Lab. The test that they do to confirm the sleep apnea is called Nocturnal polysomnography. During this test, I was hooked up to equipment that monitors my heart, lung and brain activity, breathing patterns, arm and leg movements, and blood oxygen levels while I slept. Because treatments for other sleep disorders such as narcolepsy and insomnia differ, this test helps the doctor to arrive at an accurate diagnosis. It was really weird to try to sleep while hooked up to monitors on my legs, chest, and head/scalp. I think that it ended up being 12-15 electrodes hooked up to me total. Plus they video tape you while you are sleeping.
Complications abound with sleep apnea and may include Cardiovascular problems. Sudden drops in blood oxygen levels that occur during sleep apnea increase blood pressure and strain the cardiovascular system. About half of people with sleep apnea develop high blood pressure (hypertension), which raises the risk of heart failure and stroke. Bizarrely enough my blood pressure has been increasing in the last year to a rate that was a concern to me. The more severe the obstructive sleep apnea, the greater the risk for high blood pressure. A study published in November 2005 in the New England Journal of Medicine reported that obstructive sleep apnea greatly increases the risk of stroke, regardless of whether a person has high blood pressure. However, effectively treating obstructive sleep apnea can lower blood pressure and the risk of other cardiovascular diseases. Another problem it leads to is daytime fatigue. The repeated awakenings associated with sleep apnea make normal, restorative sleep impossible. People with sleep apnea often experience severe daytime drowsiness, fatigue and irritability. I thought that my medicines for my bipolar drugged me to the point that I wasn't able to wake in the mornings. I often drive to work in a dangerously fatigued state not understanding how I was so tired after 8 hours of sleep or more.
People with obstructive also complain of memory problems, morning headaches (my migraines that have started up after over a decade of not having them), mood swings or feelings of depression (duh, bipolar). Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) may be more prevalent in people with sleep apnea. I have had GERD since I was 21!
So, now I have a CPAP machine to help me breath in the night. CPAP means Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. This device delivers air pressure through a mask placed over my nose while I sleep. With CPAP (SEE-pap), the air pressure is somewhat greater than that of the surrounding air, and is just enough to keep my upper airway passages open, preventing apnea and snoring. So, like our villainous foe in Star Wars, I sleep with a mask on my face and an apparatus on my head to keep it in place. There is that slightly distinctive breathing with a mask on sound. It isn't bulky or loud but I still do feel like I am a little bit assimilated. Resistance is futile.
As I am still trying to adapt to the concept, I put the mask on at night and start to fall asleep. When I am almost to sleep where I can't remember anything, I apparently have been flinging the thing off of my head. I can vaguely recall doing it, but not why. Weird but true. I have yet to wear it an entire night. I don't think I have worn it for half of a night yet. But my Dad and my doctor swear that once you get adjusted to the CPAP it will change my life. Gosh I hope so.
During sleep the muscles in the back of my throat relax. These muscles support the soft palate, the triangular piece of tissue hanging from the soft palate (uvula), tonsils and tongue. When my muscles relax, my airway narrows or closes as I breathe in, and breathing momentarily cuts off. This lowers the level of oxygen in my blood. My brain senses this inability to breath and briefly rouses me from my sleep so that I can reopen my airway. This awakening is usually so brief that I don't even remember it.
I awaken with a transient shortness of breath that corrects itself quickly, within one or two deep breaths, although this is rare. This pattern can repeat itself all night long. These disruptions impair my ability to reach those desired deep, restful phases of sleep, and I feel sleepy during my waking hours especially in the morning. I was not aware that my sleep was interrupted. In fact, thought that I slept well all night.
I cannot believe so many people have sleep apnea. Doctors estimate that more than 12 million Americans have sleep apnea. It hits mostly men, people who are overweight, or over 40 years old, but it can affect anyone at any age. It is really hard to realize if you have it. Or, it was for me. Even though I don't remember waking up during the night, I fight serious morning sleepiness, irritability, and fatigue. I experience morning headaches which I characterized as migraines and went to my general physician for migraine medicine.
My doctor referred me to a sleep disorder center. In the hospital where I work we have a lovely new Sleep Lab. The test that they do to confirm the sleep apnea is called Nocturnal polysomnography. During this test, I was hooked up to equipment that monitors my heart, lung and brain activity, breathing patterns, arm and leg movements, and blood oxygen levels while I slept. Because treatments for other sleep disorders such as narcolepsy and insomnia differ, this test helps the doctor to arrive at an accurate diagnosis. It was really weird to try to sleep while hooked up to monitors on my legs, chest, and head/scalp. I think that it ended up being 12-15 electrodes hooked up to me total. Plus they video tape you while you are sleeping.
Complications abound with sleep apnea and may include Cardiovascular problems. Sudden drops in blood oxygen levels that occur during sleep apnea increase blood pressure and strain the cardiovascular system. About half of people with sleep apnea develop high blood pressure (hypertension), which raises the risk of heart failure and stroke. Bizarrely enough my blood pressure has been increasing in the last year to a rate that was a concern to me. The more severe the obstructive sleep apnea, the greater the risk for high blood pressure. A study published in November 2005 in the New England Journal of Medicine reported that obstructive sleep apnea greatly increases the risk of stroke, regardless of whether a person has high blood pressure. However, effectively treating obstructive sleep apnea can lower blood pressure and the risk of other cardiovascular diseases. Another problem it leads to is daytime fatigue. The repeated awakenings associated with sleep apnea make normal, restorative sleep impossible. People with sleep apnea often experience severe daytime drowsiness, fatigue and irritability. I thought that my medicines for my bipolar drugged me to the point that I wasn't able to wake in the mornings. I often drive to work in a dangerously fatigued state not understanding how I was so tired after 8 hours of sleep or more.
People with obstructive also complain of memory problems, morning headaches (my migraines that have started up after over a decade of not having them), mood swings or feelings of depression (duh, bipolar). Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) may be more prevalent in people with sleep apnea. I have had GERD since I was 21!
So, now I have a CPAP machine to help me breath in the night. CPAP means Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. This device delivers air pressure through a mask placed over my nose while I sleep. With CPAP (SEE-pap), the air pressure is somewhat greater than that of the surrounding air, and is just enough to keep my upper airway passages open, preventing apnea and snoring. So, like our villainous foe in Star Wars, I sleep with a mask on my face and an apparatus on my head to keep it in place. There is that slightly distinctive breathing with a mask on sound. It isn't bulky or loud but I still do feel like I am a little bit assimilated. Resistance is futile.
As I am still trying to adapt to the concept, I put the mask on at night and start to fall asleep. When I am almost to sleep where I can't remember anything, I apparently have been flinging the thing off of my head. I can vaguely recall doing it, but not why. Weird but true. I have yet to wear it an entire night. I don't think I have worn it for half of a night yet. But my Dad and my doctor swear that once you get adjusted to the CPAP it will change my life. Gosh I hope so.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I Met Hannbal Lecter Today...
I attended a "Lunch & Learn" today at the hospital called, "Silence, Stigma & Mental Illness". In the flyers there was a spin on Silence of the Lambs for the program. I was interested in this topic because I deal with bipolar on a daily basis and during my time living in Utah I encountered so much ignorance about mental illness it infuriated me.
The primary newspaper in Salt Lake City did a survey about perception of mental illness and 36% of respondents believed that mental illness was a result of sin. Are you kidding me? Then I went to my family ward bishop me during a particularly difficult time during my illness which I believe I was struggling with due to the passing of my grandmother, an attempted burglary of my apartment while I was in it, and a break in of my car. When I shared my difficulties and my illness with him looking for insightful spiritual guidance he expressed that I would be happier if I just attended church more frequently, said my prayers more fervently, read my scriptures longer etc ad nauseum. Are you kidding me?
When we arrived at the lunch & learn they had free pizza and fava beans. If you don't know why the fava beans are so funny, I can't help you. After we all sat down they lowered the lights and two gentlemen wheeled in a man on a moving dolly wearing a straight jacket and a mouth restraint just like Anthony Hopkins in the movie. Then introduced himself as Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Creepy and funny. The presenter was the medical director of the hospital's behavioral health (psychiatric) department, Dr. Dennis Kutzer. He had a marvelous sense of humor and got away with a lot of anecdotes that most hospital associates would never get away with. He had some amazing information to share. He used the Hannibal Lecter idea to over emphasize that there are so many bad perceptions out there especially that people with mental illness are dangerous.
One of the first things that he stated was that he suffered from depression and that 2 of his children suffer from depression. Then he started sharing the statistics. 26% of Americans suffer from one or more 'mental illness'. That is 1 in 4 people. He informed us about so many things. It was really good. Making a point that mental illness is disease. The term mental illness is a misnomer because it makes it sound like the illness is 'all in your mind' like it isn't a physical disease. He said that it isn't in your mind its in your brain and the brain is a tangible working organ of the body and one of the most important ones at that. I wish I had been able to write everything down and share it. If I can recall more...more will follow.
The primary newspaper in Salt Lake City did a survey about perception of mental illness and 36% of respondents believed that mental illness was a result of sin. Are you kidding me? Then I went to my family ward bishop me during a particularly difficult time during my illness which I believe I was struggling with due to the passing of my grandmother, an attempted burglary of my apartment while I was in it, and a break in of my car. When I shared my difficulties and my illness with him looking for insightful spiritual guidance he expressed that I would be happier if I just attended church more frequently, said my prayers more fervently, read my scriptures longer etc ad nauseum. Are you kidding me?
When we arrived at the lunch & learn they had free pizza and fava beans. If you don't know why the fava beans are so funny, I can't help you. After we all sat down they lowered the lights and two gentlemen wheeled in a man on a moving dolly wearing a straight jacket and a mouth restraint just like Anthony Hopkins in the movie. Then introduced himself as Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Creepy and funny. The presenter was the medical director of the hospital's behavioral health (psychiatric) department, Dr. Dennis Kutzer. He had a marvelous sense of humor and got away with a lot of anecdotes that most hospital associates would never get away with. He had some amazing information to share. He used the Hannibal Lecter idea to over emphasize that there are so many bad perceptions out there especially that people with mental illness are dangerous.
One of the first things that he stated was that he suffered from depression and that 2 of his children suffer from depression. Then he started sharing the statistics. 26% of Americans suffer from one or more 'mental illness'. That is 1 in 4 people. He informed us about so many things. It was really good. Making a point that mental illness is disease. The term mental illness is a misnomer because it makes it sound like the illness is 'all in your mind' like it isn't a physical disease. He said that it isn't in your mind its in your brain and the brain is a tangible working organ of the body and one of the most important ones at that. I wish I had been able to write everything down and share it. If I can recall more...more will follow.
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